12.02.10
Posted in at 7:37 am by Administrator
On October 31st, I was drunk as fuck and I was quite happy. I had gone down to Key West, which was full of topless women due to Fantasy Fest (I’m going back next year and getting nekkid). But on November 2, I was fuming. I couldn’t believe the Repubs managed to win back the House of Representatives. When the media kept reporting that the Democrats were going to lose several important races, I thought they were clueless, as usual. But I was wrong.
While President Obama hasn’t been perfect, but he’s doing a hell of a job, especially considering the mess Bushwacker left us in. I do think he should have tackled jobs before taking on health care or financial reform (this doesn’t mean these two issues are less important). The major reason the Democrats had a bad showing in my opinion, is that many likely Democratic voters didn’t cast their ballots. People under 30 are probably a huge segment of these no-shows.
Some of the results really left me baffled. Joe Garcia lost his 2nd Congressional bid in a row in District 25. I think he’ll call it quits after this one (btw, when is Manny Diaz running?). How in the fucking world did Rick Scott win? The man’s company committed medicare fraud and had to pay a $1.7 billion fine. Even if he was totally uninvolved, the crime was done during his watch, and he is accountable. And now you expect him to run the state’s finances?? This would be like former General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner, running for Michigan governor and being elected. I don’t think the residents of Michigan would be that stupid. Don’t get me started on Marco Rubio. That would another post by itself. Atleast former witch extraordinaire and self-proclaimed virgin, Christine O”Donnell, lost in Delaware (hey, she won’t have herpes), and Harry Reid won in Nevada.
It’s a shame she’s a tea partier, because she’s hot…. no, seriously.
Look at Boner smiling. Does he have make-up on?
Give ‘em the finger Harry!!
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11.05.10
Posted in at 7:11 am by Administrator
Hey kids,
During the summer, I spent two glorious months living in the place where dreams come true and you never have to grow up and become an adult. No, not Disney World!! Deviants like me are not allowed there. I spent two months living in South Beach, land of sun, sand, sin and sex (and believe me, a lot of sex goes on). Now for all you ignoramuses out there, South Beach is the southern portion of Miami Beach. It’s section south of 23rd Street. This is also the area where the all the restaurants, trendy (re: expensive) stores, dance clubs and drug-addled masses are located. It is also the location for some of the mostly grossly expensive real estate (gross because some prices will literally make you regurgitate) this side of Miami, or the 6th Borough as some New Yorkers seem to think (New Yorkers, thanks for thinking of us as your little brother city, but again, no thanks).
A friend of mine lives in a studio on 16th St between Michigan and Jefferson, just a block away from Lincoln Road. While she was gone to some island in the Caribbean, I rented her place. Since, I was only planning on staying two months, I didn’t attempt to redecorate the studio. Mind you, this studio is quite spacious and is more akin to a one room apartment. My next door neighbor, a Newyorican dude, was a bit of a weirdo, smoked weed constantly and constantly banged the walls (luckily, I never had to call the cops on his ass). The downstairs neighbor was a cute French girl, but she was taken, so let’s leave it at that.
The beach, is a very interesting place; there’s a never a dull moment. There’s always plenty of activities going on. Everyday I seemed to bump into more weirdos, crackheads, obnoxious tourists and bizarros. Since I worked from home, I had plenty of time to spend merrily walking around. I have plenty of interesting stories to relate, but I’ll post them one by one. All these posts will have the sub-heading True South Beach Stories. It’s the least I can do, especially since South Beach Man Whore took off his blog.
I promise I’ll post soon (and I’ll figure out a way to post pictures again), til then toodles.
P.S. Use a rubber.
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08.13.10
Posted in at 7:24 am by Administrator
A few weeks back, I had to drop by the FIU campus and return some of the 34 books I had taken from the library before they hit me with late fees. If you’re wondering why I had so many books, well some of them are required reading for my program, others are related topics (from which I have to take notes), and the rest I might read for fun. That is, of course, if I have time, which is….never.
So, I decided to drop by the FIU piano lounge. This lounge, located right next to a Jamba Juice, is a nice area where students can relax between classes. There’s a piano and several paintings made by FIU art majors hanging on the walls. There are also several very comfy couches on which to rest and possibly sleep. It happened to be a Sunday, so the lounge was empty. I was sitting on a corner with my laptop computer. then all of a sudden, a group of about 12 students appeared. The group consisted of one hot girl, one small chubby girl, one big-ass girl (she must’ve been about 6 feet tall and weighed 350 lbs, could’ve been a linebacker) and several gay dudes.
Now, for your information, while I’m a straight guy, I have no issues with the gay crowd. They’re human and they deserve equal rights just like everyone. Also, the way I see it, more gay dudes means less competition for the women. So, the gay guys and the few women started vogue-ing. Since I’m a social scientist (no for real, I am), I started observing and note-taking. I cursed myself for not carrying my camera that day (I try to be an amateur journalist of sorts). You might wonder, what the fuck is vogue-ing? Well, it is the art of walking down the catwalk, as in a modeling session; the big difference is that in vogue-ing, the participants incorporate elements of dance, walking, exercise, martial arts and physical expressions (shit, I sound like one of my boring papers).
For all you ignoramuses out there, the Vogue-ing Movement started in New York in the early 1970s. The gays would get together at a hall, create elaborate costumes and themes and start vogue-ing. The movement’s member were mainly African-American and Hispanic gay men. The 1990 documentary Paris Is Burning, chronicles several of the characters behind this movement. Somehow, Madonna heard about this movement, and copied their dances for the video for her song Vogue. Obviously, as Madonna always does, she ripped off the idea from the voguers and she probably didn’t pay them a cent.
These were not the voguers I saw, but they resemble them heavily.
Now these voguers are hawt!
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08.05.10
Posted in at 2:56 am by Administrator
Every 4 years, the World Cup comes around and reminds me why soccer is my favorite sport (besides basketball). Think about it: three games a day featuring a nation’s best eleven players on the field. The game for these guys is not just simply a matter of winning, losing and/or having fun. National pride plays a huge role; the players assume the role of warriors fighting a brutal enemy. While not all players perform in a stellar fashion, all are aware that the World Cup is the biggest stage and they must play their best and not disappoint. A great performance at the World cup means millions of dollars or euros in the form of a playing contract and endorsements. A bad performance means total humiliation for the rest of your life. If you miss a penalty kick that could have secured your team’s victory, even your grand kids will know. Your character will be tantamount to that of a traitor. Hell, in some countries you might get shot.
For some people, this might seem crazy. But unless, you’ve lived or spent an extensive amount of time in Europe or South America, you completely underestimate the passion and furor that soccer can cause. When a nation’s team is playing, the whole population is watching the game. Unlike the Super Bowl, the motivation is not solely about eating burgers. The country’s prestige is at stake. At this moment I’m feeling World Cup Blues. I feel empty and desolate. I was desperately channel surfing (and I never watch TV), the day after Spain-Holland, looking for the day’s game, having forgotten that the tournament had just ended.
Granted, I am a real fan (not a band-wagoner); pretty soon, Champions League will start again. Many Americans are unaware of the awesomeness that is Champions League: every year the best European teams, most of them stacked with top layers, battle it out in order to be crowned European champion. To put it in simple terms, imagine that at least 7 NBA teams were as strong as my beloved Miami Heat and battled against each other on a yearly basis (note that the European champion si the best out of almost a thousand teams spread out in over 30 leagues). Still, there’s far more passion in tournaments like World Cup; players participate for the love of their country, not for money (OK, some of them do get bonuses, but becoming a legend on the field is the real prize).
Now I’m bored; the NBA season doesn’t until November. MLB isn’t getting exciting yet and I might as well forget about the Marlins pulling off a surprise. And the Dolphins, well….wake me up in January or maybe if they start fucking up real bad, I’ll be able to afford to go to a game.
For the naysayers, who say that soccer can never gain a foothold in the U.S., I say “watch Champions League”. With all due respect, MLS doesn’t have such a high quality level of play as the top European leagues ,which are located in Spain, Italy and England. Comparing the MLS to the English Premier League is like comparing the NBA to the Chinese league. Here are some pictures from the last World Cup. Enjoy…and smoke a blunt…
Ole, Viva Espana
Xavi Hernandez, the man behind Spain’s triumph
Xavi’s sidekick, Andres Iniesta, who scored in the final against Netherlands
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06.15.10
Posted in at 12:17 am by Administrator
To all readers, fans, spammers, aspiring porn stars, Eastern European mail order brides, Viagra peddlers and other misfits, I’m here to report that the blog is alive and well. I had been incredibly busy; between school work, a new job and other activities (I was getting laid a lot during May), I hadn’t had any time to put up new blog posts. But alas, Summer is here and all is well. I promise to post more often and keep you all entertained. There is simply too much weirdness in Miami for me not to report it or atleast rant about it. Just the other day, I saw a Chrysler 300 that was Grand Theft Auto-themed; pimped to the max. Yes, it was ugly as fuck (whilst hilarious), and I didn’t have my camera with me. So from now I on, I will carry my camera everywhere so I can take pictures next time I see something unusual and out of the ordinary. I’ll post something soon, until then kids,….. use a rubber….
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12.17.09
Posted in at 9:44 pm by Administrator
At this moment, I am in the desperate need… OK, not so desperate but definitively a need, to reconstruct my credit. For us Americans, credit is extremely important. Even if we make a shit salary, we’re expected to have decent credit. In other countries, if you want to buy something rather big like say, a house, or a new car, you might have to pay a large portion of the total cost as a down payment, sometimes even in cash. Here in the United States, many people don’t realize how much the rather easy accessibility to credit changes things. We’ll be able to buy what we need, the downside being or course, that we’ll be in debt for a certain time. Hopefully, not 30 years.
In the early part of the millennium, I like many young people barely out of high school, found what I thought was a decent job. The job paid shit money, something like $6.00 miserly dollars an hour. I was hoping to gain some experience and then advance to better jobs. At this time, the economy was booming and that dot com crash didn’t seem that serious. Despite, my years of book worming, I didn’t understand the complexities of our economic system yet (that, I came to understand a bit too late).
Most young people who land a full time acquire two mandatory and important accessories: a car and a cell phone. At that age, (16 to 19, well 34 for Paris Hilton), people are carefree (unless, the kids ended up preggers at 16, then you’re fucked). The last things on their minds are savings accounts, 401Ks, life insurances, etc. If you’re not covered by your parent’s insurances, it’s not the end of the world. Bad news, calamity and hardships are the last thing on your mind. Since I wanted to rid myself of my rolling and thundering 85′ Chrysler LeBaron, I really needed to improve my non-existent credit history. Much to my surprise Providian gave me a card worth $1000.00. In retrospect, it seems unreal that someone earning $6.00 per hour could get such a high amount. Later, I was offered an additional $1000.00. Due to several family issues, I had to take use a large portion of this capital. At this point I lost my job and only source of income. I didn’t find another job after 4 months. By this point, my credit had been ruined. I managed to repay Providian their money and not take out anymore cards until I had a safe, secure job that paid real money. Later, I took out and canceled various cards, many of whom initially offered much less than Providian. Currently, I get letters from different banks and financial institutions that offer credit. With the recession, these companies seem frightened to offer too much credit. Despite the bailout and their free market doctrines, their holding the money ass tight. When reading the fine print from these companies I really have to laugh.
First Premier Bank offers me credit; they don’t tell me how much exactly, only that the minimum credit limit is $250. If I accept and signed the confirmation paper, I’ll find out how much credit I would receive. The letter does a good job of describing the different charges incurred if I accept. There’s a program fee for $95.00 for extending credit. Then there’s an account setup fee of $29.00, followed by an annual $48.00 fee. There’s also a monthly service fee of $7.00 and if you want to obtain an additional card there’s a $20.00 fee. Add this all up and you only have $51.00 left in credit and you haven’t fucking even bought anything!! Don’t forget that the monthly fee will eat up what’s left in the account in a little more than six months. The folks at First Premier Bank are smoking some powerful crack cocaine if they think people are actually going to accept that stinking offer. Normally, I just throw away these credit offers, but this time I decided to read just in case they had a good offer…..wishful thinking, of course.
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12.01.09
Posted in at 11:58 pm by Administrator
A lot of foreigners that I meet in Miami, seem to have the odd idea that fast food (more specifically hamburgers) is the national American plate. While we can say that fish & chips, filet mignon and bratwurst are representative foods for Great Britain, France and Germany, there isn’t really a food staple that represents the United States. Our plates are more regionally based: clam chowder is typical in New England, anything fried with bacon in the South, cheesesteaks in Philadelphia, anything mixed with corn in Iowa. It goes something like that. We are after all, a pretty large country.
With all assurance, we can say that McDonalds and other fast foods are not the typical American food. But their food brand is heavily consumed. Even those of us who avoid McDs like the plague have eaten there atleast once during the last 2 months, even when we know it’s lousy and unhealthy. And why? Well, simply because of convenience. If you only have half an hour for lunch (and you didn’t spend part of your break sitting on the toilet doing number 2), you need your food to be prepared QUICK. Most cafeterias have great ambiance, friendly waiters and decent food. I’m OK with them, I don’t mind tipping. But I’ll be there eating for a longer time than my allotted luch break and of course, I don’t want to give my boss the pleasure of reducing my wage because I clocked in a few minutes late from lunch.
Well, fast food is called fast food for a reason. It’s the closest thing we have to a automated production line in a post-industrial world. You go in, you buy, you go out, you eat, you’re filled. Since we Americans are always in a hurry, fast food companies can rest assured that they’ll have a market for their produce. As long as we don’t eat their shit more than twice a week, we won’t have a coronary (just a bit of diarrhea, that’s all). Each fast food company has it’s market segment safe.
Lately, I have noticed that fast food companies are starting to attack each other’s market. McDonalds has suddenly created McCoffee, clearly invading Starbucks’ territory. My theory is that McDs wants some of the yuppie-hipster coolness associated with the Seattle-based latte maker to rub on it. McDonald’s new Angus beef hambruger are actually tasty and non-poisonous. They are obviously trying to knock out Burger King’s market segment.
Finally, I’m also curious as to when McDonalds will bring back Ronald McDonald. When I was a kid, back in the 1980s, good ‘ol Ronald was everywhere. Now he’s totally MIA. Does it have something to do with the fact that he’s a man wearing makeup, a wig, high boots and is friendly to kids……..Did the Conservative Christians banish Ronald McDonald??…..No fucking way!
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11.05.09
Posted in at 2:40 am by Administrator
The other day, a news article caught my attention. Laura Dekker, a thirteen year old Dutch girl, plans to make a solo voyage around the World on her 27-feet yacht, Guppy. The aforementioned trip would take about two years to complete. Her mother, Babs Muller (wassup Babs), who is divorced form Laura’s father, opposes the trip. A Dutch court stopped the planned expedition and has put the girl under supervision. Laura’s father, Dick Dekker, seems OK with the idea. In fact, he had already requested permission from her school for a leave of absence (where the hell is Laura? Ummm, she’s sailing around the globe, she’ll be in Bora Bora by Tuesday). If Laura had been granted permission, she would have been the youngest person to make such trip. Previously, 17 year old British teenager Mike Perham and 17 year old American Zac Sunderland had completed solo World trips.
Now, I must ask, are Laura’s parents (well, her dad) the coolest ever are they are on LSD? If you are willing to let your prebuscent kid go sailing around the World, you either really want to get rid of her and have the house all to yourself in order to host orgies every week, or you’re terrified of little Laura reaching puberty and coming home preggers or hooking up with a wanna be rockstar. Maybe it’s better if little Laura is out there in the ocean sailing instead of Amsterdam. Remember, those Dutch are extremely liberal and maybe dad is an old-fashioned kind of guy. What dangers are there in the ocean?
Well dad, you obviously never saw The Ice Storm, or those National Geographic documentaries about great white sharks. Dad seems to forget that there are pirates close to the shore of Ethiopia more than willing to kidnap little Laura if a generous reward is at hand (unless dad IS planning of getting rid of her). I’ve heard that people that spend ridiculous amounts of time at sea end up crazy and suicidal. Why not just send her to boarding school. What if the poor girl gets bored and wants to call her friends. Does she even have internet access out there?
It’s pretty obvious that these folks are rather wealthy. Who else buys their kids sailboats and teaches them how to sail when they’re kids? Psychotic rich folks, that’s who. When I was thirteen, my dad wouldn’t teach me how to drive. I resented this a bit and wondered why couldn’t my parents be cool. Of course, if I had kids now, I’d be insane to let them drive at thirteen (of course, I knew jackass kids in middle school who claimed to know how to drive since age 10, yeah right). Now, let them sail around the World? Gimme a break! Does having so much money bore people and then they try to find new and odd ways to entertain themselves by challenging nature? Haven’t you noticed how many eccentric millionaire’s end up dead by trying to do something heroically stupid? Does the money make them believe they’re invincible?
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09.04.09
Posted in at 1:17 am by Administrator
President Obama’s “Cash for Clunkers’ will end this week, if it hasn’t ended already. Unless you’ve been hiding in a nuclear shelter, you probably heard about it: a person trades in their old gas-guzzling truck or SUV for a smaller and more fuel efficient vehicle. Personally, I think it’s a great idea. It can help stimulate the growth in sales for fuel efficient cars. They should also offer tax breaks for these buyers. The same as Bush’s policy of giving tax breaks to those folks who bought Hummers, but I prefer Obama’s take on it. After all, I’ all about saving oil and the environment.
What bugs me is that I didn’t even know about Cash for Clunkers up until a few days before the initial expiration date. Luckily, it was extended. I heard of it while listening to National Public Radio (I admit, I must watch more TV). The mainstream media should have mentioned it more often like they do with all stupid celebrity divorces that no one really gives a fuck about. Unfortunately, neither me nor my parents were able to get rid of our clunkers. If I get the job I’m looking for, I’ll buy myself a Camaro and I’ll electro-modify it.
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08.16.09
Posted in at 6:43 pm by Administrator
Some days ago, on a Friday morning, I had stopped at FIU’s Biscayne Bay Campus. I wasn’t really planning on stopping by, but I decided to go to the library to check my email really quick. Somehow 10 minutes turned into an hour (I also checked my Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, this blog, etc). Campus was on my way home as I had spend the night before with a lovely tourist gal from Chicago. The hotel she was staying at was located around the Sunny Isles Beach area (no, she didn’t stay at the Trump Plaza). I was heading home to run a few errands.
As I’m contentedly strolling back to my car, I noticed a large amount of broken glass around the floor. I’m thinking “damn, someone’s car got hit”. And what glorious surprise I have when I see that smashed car happens to be my 96′ Isuzu Rodeo. My first instinct is to curse all hell through and throw a few punches in the air. The car’s back window is completely smashed and the back door has been bent in the middle. The car’s front wheels have been pushed over the parking bump. I’m wondering how hard it got hit.
I look inside the car and notice that nothing has been stolen. I’m figuring that it might have been a hit and run, and as usual, no one saw anything. I call the police to report what happened. I’m connected to a Sergeant to whom I give the information whilst cursing profusely (get your car crashed, great excuse to bitch out a cop). A few seconds later, I receive a call from the FIU campus police. Somehow, the culprit didn’t run but decided to report the crash. Said culprit is in the police office. The officer notices my anger and repeatedly tells me that it was an accident, accident happens (so does cancer).
I walk to the office expecting to see some idiot frat-boy wanna-be or some coked out idiot (I mean who’s high already at 11:00 AM?). What a surprise when the culprit turns out to be a young Latin girl, like 20 or 21. And she’s kinda hot. Somehow, she was going to press her brakes, but instead she stepped on the accelerator and voooomm!! I didn’t exchange words with the driving-challenged hottie. When I got there, she was nervous and crying. Since I was so angry, I didn’t think of trying to ask for a date (you crashed the shit out of my car, btw, are you free Saturday?). Besides, I was already seeing someone.
The police officer’s report stated that the girl was at fault. Luckily, she had AllState as her insurance and they covered all my damages and gave me a rental car while mine was in the shop. I didn’t have to pay a dime. The body shop people even washed it and made it look like new. In regards to the hot chick, maybe I’ll look her up on Facebook…
That would’ve really sucked…..
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08.11.09
Posted in , Travel at 5:40 am by Administrator
For July 4th, I drove up with my parents to jolly Beaufort, South Carolina. My older sister Ally, resides there with her husband, Pete. Pete’s job contract with the U.S. Marines is over and he had to rush down back to Florida, where a new job offer materialized. I had to help Ally clean the house, mow the lawn and pack things for their big move.
Beaufort (pop. 12.000) is a nice quaint town with landscapes that resemble a Thomas Kincaid portrait. The city was founded in the mid 1700s and several houses and streets are built in a colonial style. Some of these antebellum houses are valued at over a million dollars. There is also an abundance of creepy cemeteries. Beaufortians (not sure if that’s the right word), take pride in the area’s history: several of Pat Conroy’s novels are set there, and their subsequent movie versions has been filmed in the city.
Beaufort is located in a swampy area of coastal South Carolina, known as the low country. The infamous USMC base at Parris Island, immortalized in Full Metal Jacket is a stone’s throw away. Who knows how many young men have been driven to insanity by raving psychotic drill sergeants. A naval hospital and an air base are located nearby. Many military retirees choose to move there due to the scenic location, warm weather and conveniently located medical facilities. Locals prefer the flowing term “marsh” as opposed to “swamp”, which sounds too redneck (kind of like, “Billy Bob, tell mama I’m goin’ squirrel huntin in da swamp”). Of all the small towns located in the low country, Beaufort seems by far the most exclusive one. Classy Charleston is about 50 miles north.
Beaufort and the other small towns depend heavily on the presence of the military bases for their economic livelihood. If it weren’t for Parris Island, only 5 millionaire’s would keep their summer homes there. As you can imagine, the area is highly patriotic. For July 4th, most of the area’s residents head to Parris Island’s main marching square. The base gives out free hot dogs, burgers, cracker jacks and sodas. The fireworks are spectacular and last pretty long. Of course, since the whole town is there, you don’t only see the nice Stepford-type manicured families nor the young professionals. There are plenty trailer dwelling folks present, many with their camouflage jackets, hats, jorts, you name it. It is odd to see obese grandmas that can’t be older than 50, wearing jorts and strapless blouses which show off their wide array of tattoos. Likewise, their husbands are usually bald, obese, heavily bearded and tattooed men wearing Harley Davidson gear. After an hour or two, I could probably distinguish the different drawls like Ocala, Blue Ridge, Cajun, Appalachian hill-billy, Kentucky hee-haw, deep Mississippi delta and Texarkana. These are sights you don’t usually see in Miami, circus town if there ever was one.
Damn Billy Bob, she got nice tatas
Supposedly a redneck swing..and yes I saw plenty houses like that one.
“Cletus, I’ll call yall back later, I’ma takin a shit on the back porch”
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07.18.09
Posted in at 5:29 pm by Administrator
This past weekend, while I was out entertaining a nice-looking, large boobied gal, my faithful squire Isuzu Rodeo decided to dump me and the girl in the middle of Miami Beach’s vice city streets. Luckily for me, my female friend was a South American tourist who uses public buses in her native country and therefore wasn’t pissed when we had to take a cab. If she had been raised in the good ‘ol U.S. of A., her eyes would’ve popped out in anger.
After towing the car to my trustworthy mechanic in Hialeah (yes, such thing does exist), it turns out that the car needed a new alernator. It might have been damaged by water during the heavy rains South Florida experiences in the summer. It doesn’t help that the alternator is located more than a feet lower than the battery is. The following day, I took the battery to a local Autozone store for a recharging. According to the store guy, the battery almost exploded and started leaking. I checked the battery and noticed that the manufacturing date was 2005, which means it was pretty old. Miraculously, the battery was not made in China, but in Ohio. Long live American industrialism.
Two days later, a central rotator which moves all the belt broke off. In the process, the alternator belt which was also old, snapped. My mechanic told me the rotator’s exact name in Spanish (it’s Hialeah), which I have no clue how to translate. Supposedly, these artifacts fall off due to old age. Don’t forget that my car is 96′ model. After everything, the total cost for parts and repairs was around $400.
Mind you, in the three years that I’ve had the Isuzu, the only big repair it had done was changing the time belt and the usual oil changes and tune-ups. Likewise, I consistently check water and oils; plus I don’t race on the highway. As a matter of fact I prefer driving between 40-50 mph. If I’m driving at night, I don’t turn on the A/C. Personally, I wouldn’t mind taking public transportation if it fits with my schedule. Unfortunately, Miami’s public transit sytem is mostly a joke, especially if you live in areas like Kendall or Hialeah. Last but not least, I hping to learn a few things from a cousin who just got his mechanic’s certificate, so I can repair stuff on my own in the future.
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