12.26.11
Kris Humphries is my new hero…no joke
So even if you don’t have the E! Channel (or like me, you never watch TV), you’ve probably heard about the Kardashian wedding. Now people, the media and the blogosphere have already discussed ad nauseam every detail of Kim Kardashian’s wedding, wardrobe, butt-size, past lovers, blow-job skills and non-existent dancing skills. I’m here to talk about my admiration for “supposed useful for only a minute ex-groom” Kris Humphries. You might be thinking, “why the hell are you a fan of Kris Humphries?”, and with good reason. Poor Kris seemed to be the only person in that Kardashian bizarro circus, who actually thought the wedding was “real” and didn’t realize it was all a publicity stunt for a few cool millions. Similarly, Kris probably didn’t get back the wedding ring he gave Kim, which cost him $2 million dollars, which was probably his yearly salary, yikes! Worst of all, he can’t even sue to get the ring back. But let’s stop making fun of poor Kris and look at the positive points:
1. Pictures surfaced of then fiancees Kris and Kim, canoodling in some lake in Minnesota (MN is full of freaking lakes everywhere). In some pictures, Kris is carrying Kim out of the lake and onto a boat. We were able to notice how amorphous and retarded her body looks, especially since she wasn’t wearing high heels. Her legs are way too skinny for her ass; she is basically a human shrimp.
2. Kris told Kim that they would settle down eventually. She said her career was too important for her to settle down. He told her no one would remember her in a few years. Is the man a genius or what? I mean do people still remember Tori Spelling ?
3. Kris told Kim that they should move to Minnesota. Yes! Great idea Kris! The sooner that you take her to live in some cabin out in the woods, the better. And if you get lost in the woods, just remember: Kim’s ass has enough meat for a bear to hibernate all through the winter.
4. Kris farted in Kourtney’s face during an episode of Kourtney & Kim Screw New York. Hopefully, he farted on Kim too. Kim definitely deserves quite a few farts up her nose. Every stuck up attention whore in Hollywood deserves a good ol’ stinker to the face. Maybe a Cleveland Steamer too… (Kim would definitely promote that video too).
5. Kris called Kim fat! After attempting to carry her and almost suffering a hernia, Kris said that she must’ve eaten a lot of wedding cake. Kim, who doesn’t realize that her rump weighs probably around 30 pounds, was deeply insulted. Poor Kris was just being honest. Don’t women want honest men??
6. He ruined her pedicure… Next time, take out a whole foot.
7. The sudden implosion of their marriage, has caused a huge backlash against Kim and threatens to derail the Kardashians’ long term TV exposure (then again, their ratings are pretty high right now).
The best thing Kris could’ve done was to propose to Kim; it has helped expose the fakeness behind the Kardashian clan (not that we didn’t know…) and will helpfully bring down their “media empire” and rid us of ever having to see them on TV again.
And they’re styles match so well!! I can totally see Kim in plaid..
