08.23.11
Jennifer Aniston should play more psycho roles.
A few weeks ago I went to see Horrible Bosses at the theaters. I didn’t go by myself, of course. I went with this cute Brazilian tourist chick I was trying to nail (more on that later). Case in point, Horrible Bosses was pretty funny. The main theme revolves around three guy friends who all have terribly despicable bosses. All three plot to murder these bosses. This is a story I can relate to, since I’ve actually two past bosses whom I wanted to assassinate. But alas, I didn’t and I’m still a free man.
Jennifer Aniston appears in Horrible Bosses. She plays an over-sexualized psycho bitch of a dentist who mentally tortures and harasses her dental assistant, played by Charlie Day. This is a refreshing change for her. Audiences have gotten used to see her playing the nice girl in the big city who’s looking for love but fails miserably: in other words, she is still playing Rachel from Friends. And honestly, 1) it’s boring, 2) she’s getting a bit old. Jennifer must have sensed the public’s growing boredom since she accepted a rather bold role. I mean, look at her career: Picture Perfect, The Object of my Affection, The Good Girl, all boring shit; the romantic comedies where she plays the female half like The Breakup, Bruce Almighty, Marley and Me, they’re good but a bit predictable. I’ll make an exception out of Office Space, but she wasn’t an important character in that one.
Jennifer’s next role is to play an evil jealous psycho-bitch out for a revenge. Considering what happened with her, Brad and Angelina, Jen has all that pent up anger inside (she is obviously still angry). She needs to go no a full on slasher rampage a la Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. And yes, kill a bunny, outrage those people from PETA. Also, the Academy voters love some psycho acting; Close got nominated for her role. Now, the character doesn’t have to be so balls-out as Glenn’s. Louise Fletcher’s portrayal of Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest didn’t require any knife-wielding, choking nor stove-top sex. Ratched calm demeanor belied a sinister, evil character. To be honest, I’m not sure Jen can pull off that type of role, since her talented is well, um, limited..
Jennifer could also attempt to bring to bring to life a famous historical character. This formula has worked in the past for other sexpot wanna be actresses. Salma Hayek acted in and help produced a biopic about Mexican artist Frida Kahlo, and somehow managed to pick up an Oscar nomination. Madonna convinced Alan Parker to give her the very coveted role of Eva Peron. I’m unaware if there were any fellatiostic favors involved (knowing Madonna…maybe). Thanks to Evita, Madonna won a Golden Globe for best actress. Yes, that same Madonna that crouched, pranced and dragged herself around the stage floor in a orgiastic fashion at the 1985 VMAs. If she could pull it off, so can Jennifer Aniston. Since Jen, has a production company, she should pull strings in order to produce a biopic on….Gloria Steinem. This would be a win-win situation for Jen. And she better hurry up before Angelina nabs this role from her.
Last but not least Jen, it’s time to stop being a cock-tease and take it off! Everyone knows you have a hot body and there’s plenty of bikini pictures documenting this. By the way, how come you know so many people with yachts? Anyhoo, you’ve been teasing the male species with tons of semi-nude magazine covers. It’s time for the real shit. You can only tease so much before we get bored. But you can’t just appeared naked in a lousy movie or pose for playboy, those are career killers. Don’t believe me, look up Bo Derek and Pamela Anderson. You have to appear naked in a gritty drama full of sex and violence. And of course with a decent storyline. In other words, play a hooker (before Angelina does it!).
Jen! What the fuck were you thinking??
