Hello friends, admirers, entourage members and other misfits:
I was really busy during the last few weeks, so I haven’t been able to write a post. In the latest news, my hometown team, the widely envied (not) Miami Dolphins have just been spurned by quarterback Peyton Manning. Let’s do some recap: Indy decided to cut Manning after a 14 year marriage. Manning is the best quarterback of the last decade (sorry Tom Brady) but he’s turning 36. Also, he’s had a few surgeries on his neck. He could simply retire and sip margaritas on the beach for the rest of eternity. But good ‘ol Peyton probably wants a few more rings. After all, Brady has 3 rings (and Giselle, and he’s a pretty mofo). The Dolphins on the other hand, need a real quarterback. An old, beat-up Manning is still better than Chad Henne, Chad Pennington (OK, he was good before he got injured), Gus Frerotte (who dat?), Jay Fiedler (ah shit, the memories), Jay Feely (who dat?) or any of the other yahoos that the front office has bought in.
Since Marino left, we have totally sucked. For reasons defying belief, Jay Fiedler was kept as q-back for 4 freaking years. Trent Green was brought in, he played lousy and then he got hit in the head with a knee, suffered a concussion and he retired after 4 games. Dante Culpepper came in, broke his knee and ran out of here. Oh yeah, we could’ve have Drew Brees. Thanks Nick Saban and eff you too!
Well, back to Peyton. First he said he wasn’t considering talking to the Dolphins, since he already visited their training complex. Then he said he would have a phone conversation with coach Philbin. A phone call! Not even a sit down, even though he has a pad somewhere in South Beach and it’s a short drive. But then, it turned out he was actually meeting with them face to face. Owner Stephen Ross even flew out to Durham N.C. (why Durham??) to meet him. And today Peyton’s announces that he’s definitely not signing with the Dolphins. You see, this could’ve gone either way: on the one hand he gets injured after we paid him millions. Or, he could’ve giving us a few Super Bowls.
Now, with Peyton living in Miami part time, isn’t he worried? I mean, he goes to a bar and orders a drink, most likely someone will piss in it. If he goes to a fancy restaurant, the food will definitely have some bodily fluids (eww ranch sauce). His car will be scratched. If he takes his laptop to a store, someone, will steal and release his home made porn. Don’t hate us, that’s how we roll in Miami. I’m pretty sure Clevelanders would do the same to Lebron.
“As I sip my soda, which I’m sure someone spat in”
So, in the past 3 years I have become a triathlete of sorts. For those ignoramuses out there, a triathlon combines swimming, cycling and running. It’s a pretty demanding sport. I had always been a biker and a runner, but I had never participated in competitions before (not since high school). To be a successful triathlete, like in most things, there’s a learning curve. Not only do you have to train a lot, but also the sport is a bit expensive (triathlons are a favorite hobby of lawyers and businessmen). Being knowledgeable in various technical aspects can help you kick ass on race day. So here are several important facts that I’ve gathered and posted for your mental fun:
1. Location matters A LOT. Since I live in Miami, I can train all year round. The average low temperature for January is around 60 degrees Fahrenheit; the most extreme cold is generally 40 degrees, but it’s only that cold for about a day or two. By February, we’ll be back to sunshine. And running in 60 degrees, is actually pretty enjoyable. In the Midwest right now, the temperature is -5 degrees. Similarly, triathletes in those areas might have to wait for a blizzard to clear up, before going out for a run…(suckas).
2. The average water temperature in South Florida is around 78 degrees. In Southern California, it’s 59 degrees, which means that you need a wetsuit in order to do long swims (of course, unless you’re phony tough, crazy brave or simply suicidal). Another great advantage that Floridian waters have is that they’re calm. It’s easy to complete a mile swim in these waters. The only con is that a shark might make an appearance (yikes!).
3. You must swim a lot, not just to get in shape, but to be at least partially successful. Many triathletes are former swimmers. There is nothing more frustrating than seeing someone basically glide like a dolphin right by you, as if you’re a freaking seahorse. But you shouldn’t stress over this; you simply train harder and the swimmer will only have a 100 meter advantage over you. Besides, you can always overtake his/her ass during the bike or run portions.
4) Don’t ever make fun of the dude wearing the ebullient colorful speedo (and no, he probably isn’t French either). Sometimes, the speedo offender is a former champion swimmer, who even in his 40s, is basically Michael Phelps compared to everyone else. Fret not my friends, there are worse things than being beat by a speedo wearer…. no really, there are.
5)You NEED a Tri-Bike. While tri-bikes look like space ships and come in funny colors, they are devastatingly fast. If you are serious about competing and winning, you need a tri-bike, made of carbon fiber. Screw aluminum! Only carbon fiber! Some folks at the bike shops, will tell you “Well start with a road bike and simply add aerobars”. Bullcrap! I tried that, didn’t work. Don’t think that a hybrid, or some lesser bike will work. You’re not Superman! For my first triathlon in 2010, I used my hybrid bike. Despite my furious pedaling, I was swiftly passed by plenty of men, women, old farts and even a 300 pounder, all of whom sported tri-bikes (that looked like space ships! I kid you not).
6) If you want to be a successful triathlete, be prepared to spend a few dimes. It’s no coincidence that triathlon is a favorite hobby for doctors, lawyers and businessmen. An entry-level tri-bike goes for $2’400.00; a hyper-modern envy-inducing eye-catching tri-bike costs easily over $10’000.00. Specialized bike helmets costs $300.00; attachable pedal-shoes are $250.00; advance technology swimsuit that make you look like an android are $150.00.
7) After a race is finished, athletes get to chow down on plenty of food set up by the race organizers. This is a great chance for athletes to mingle. Surprisingly, there is a large amount of hot women who compete in triathlons. Of course, most of them have great athletic bodies. So have your cellphone handy and bring gel (and condoms).
Never train alone. There are plenty of training groups all around the country. Membership fees shouldn’t be more than $20.00 a year. Not only will you have training companions, but you will learn all the nut and bolts that come with the sports from more experienced people. On race day, if you don’t have a faithful girlfriend or your friends are lazy bastards, at least you’ll have a group of people cheering for you.
OK children, there’s your advice. Now go out there and break a leg. And renumber, never jizz in the water.
That’s not me, I’m a dude. Cute belly!
Even if you don’t have the E! Channel (or like me, you never watch TV), you’ve probably heard about the Kardashian wedding. The media and the blogosphere have already discussed ad nauseam every detail of Kim Kardashian’s wedding, wardrobe, butt-size, past lovers, blow-job skills and non-existent dancing skills. I’m here to talk about my admiration for “supposed useful for only a minute ex-groom” Kris Humphries. You might be thinking, “why the hell are you a fan of Kris Humphries?”, and with good reason. Poor Kris seemed to be the only person in that Kardashian bizarro circus who actually thought the wedding was real and didn’t realize it was all a publicity stunt for a few cool millions. Similarly, Kris probably didn’t get back the wedding ring he gave Kim, which cost him $2 million dollars, which is probably his whole yearly salary (yikes!). Worst of all, he can’t even bring a lawsuit to get the ring back. But let’s stop making fun of poor Kris and look at the positive points:
1. Pictures surfaced of then fiancees Kris and Kim, canoodling in some lake in Minnesota (MN is full of freaking lakes everywhere). In some pictures, Kris is carrying Kim out of the lake and onto a boat. We were able to notice how amorphous and retarded her body looks, especially since she wasn’t wearing high heels. Her legs are way too skinny for her booty; she is basically a human shrimp.
2. Kris told Kim that they would settle down eventually. She said her career was too important for her to settle down. He replied that no one would remember her in a few years. Is the man a genius or what? I mean, do people still remember Tori Spelling?
3. Kris told Kim that they should move to Minnesota. Yes! Great idea Kris! The sooner that you take her to live in some cabin out in the woods, the better. And if you get lost in the woods, just remember: Kim’s posterior has enough meat for a bear to hibernate all through the winter.
4. Kris farted in Kourtney’s face during an episode of Kourtney & Kim Screw New York. Hopefully, he farted on Kim too. Kim definitely deserves quite a few farts up her nose. Maybe a Cleveland Steamer too… (Kim would definitely promote that video).
5. Kris called Kim fat! After attempting to carry her and almost suffering a hernia, Kris said that she must’ve eaten a lot of wedding cake. Kim, who doesn’t realize that her rump weighs probably around 30 pounds, was deeply insulted. Poor Kris was just being honest. Don’t women want honest men??
(Disclaimer to female readers: It is not funny at all to make fun of a woman’s weight. I would never say anything to my girlfriend about her weight, but this post is intended to make fun of Kim Kardashian, who is a public figure, as it weird as that sounds).
6. He ruined her pedicure… Next time, take out a whole foot.
7. The sudden implosion of their marriage, has caused a huge backlash against Kim and threatens to derail the Kardashians’ long term TV exposure (then again, their ratings are pretty high right now).
The best thing Kris could’ve done was to propose to Kim; it has helped expose the fakeness behind the Kardashian clan (not that we didn’t know…) and will helpfully bring down their “media empire” and rid us of ever having to see them on TV again.
And they’re styles match so well!! I can totally see Kim in plaid..
I’ve got a few more people that some friends have remarked that I look like. According to a friend from my former graduate department at Florida International University, I look like “Pedro” from Napoleon Dynamite (2004). I’m not sure, if this friend was referring to the character “Pedro” or actor Efren Ramirez. Besides his role in Dynamite, Ramirez has also appeared in Crank and Gamer. Still, his role as “Pedro” can be considered the high point of his existence. Ramirez has even joined the USO program and has entertained troops, who simply remember him as “Pedro”. In some of his more recent pictures, Ramirez seems to be wearing guy liner and is sporting longer hair. Hopefully, he won’t film any gay porn…
An ex of mine says that I look a lot like actor Adam Goldberg, especially when I let my beard grow a bit. My hair also resembles Adam’s and I have a similar skin color, especially when I’m not over tanned (like now…damn Miami sun). Goldberg appeared in supporting roles in several films from the 90s and early 2000s, including Saving Private Ryan and The Hebrew Hammer. One of his most underrated roles was the part of Julie Delpy’s terrified boyfriend in 2 Days in Paris. For some reason, Delpy didn’t include him in the sequel (her new boyfriend is Chris Rock…). I think this is a retarded decision on her part. Adam Goldberg basically carried the whole film and made it watchable. PML Fans out there, what do you think??
At least no one thinks I look like this guy….
Hi readers! I was absent for a few weeks; I had taken vacations and was exploring Los Angeles and Las Vegas. Pretty soon I’ll make a post or two, detailing all my adventures.
Sooo, I’m constantly being told that I look like people. When people first meet me, they usually think I’m Italian, Jewish, Arabic, Hindu (??), but they don’t assume that I’m Hispanic, even though Hispanics are ubiquitous in Miami. For a time, I used long hair. My hair is dark, wavy and hard to control. Unless I use large amounts of gel to control and hold it, it resembles a lions mane. If I use gel, my hair falls back and looks a bit nice.
A week ago I cut my hair, but when I had it long it easily reached my shoulders. During the 2 year period in which I didn’t cut it, my hair would take various amorphous shapes and patterns. In the process, people would randomly tell me that I resembled certain celebrities. While I might see the resemblance for some, others left me completely baffled. On the good side, I never got confused with someone incredibly ugly, like the fat guy from the Borat movie. On the flip side, I never got confused with any Hollywood lady killer alpha male. Oh, well. Here’s a list of celebrities I resemble:
Jesse Bradford: I must say, he’s good looking cat. If only people knew who he was. According to some website or Facebook app, in which you insert a picture of yourself, I have a 89 % resemblance to him. Bradford has been around Hollywood for several years. He was a background character in Hackers (1995), and in Bring It On, he played Kirsten Dunst’s boyfriend. He had lead roles in Swimfan (2003), which was Fatal Attraction but in the college swimming scene, and Clockstoppers (2002), about some time travelers.
Keanu Reeves: According to some hot lady I met at the beach one day, I look like Keanu Reeves with my long hair. She actually said I looked like Neo. Now, I wasn’t acting stoned nor as if I have an IQ of 70, which is basically Keanu during the 80s, long before he came a serious actor. After Speed (1994), he became really boring.
Gary Oldman: Some chick I met at a concert back in 2002, swore that I was identical to Gary. She must’ve been a fan of his, because I actually got some nookie that night. Great concert, don’t ask me who performed.
Steve Buscemi: According to 2 different friends who don’t know each other, I look a lot like Steve. One friend says he thought of me during the airplane scene from Con Air, where Steve is singing “she’s got the whole world in her hands”, while the plane is about to crash. Whatever….haters….
Roland Orzabal / You’re wondering who the hell is that? He was the lead singer for awesome 80′s Brit duo Tears For Fears. When I had long hair, someone told me I resembled Roland in the “Head Over Heels” video. This video, which is filmed inside a library, shows Roland hitting on a sexy librarian (that is so me!).
An Orthodox Jew / Walking around Miami Beach, whenever I encounter religious Orthodox Jews, I get asked if I want to join their congregation. When I politely respond that my family is Catholic and I’m mostly Atheist, they simply say “aah”.
Jesus Christ / When I had long hair plus beard, someone told me I resembled what Jesus would have looked like. My skin has an olive tone, and of course Jesus wasn’t blue eyed and light skinned as He is portrayed in Medieval art. Jesus would have an olive skin complexion similar to people from the Mediterranean area and the Middle East. I wonder if I should go audition for a role in Jesus Christ Superstar…?
A few weeks ago I went to see Horrible Bosses at the theaters. I didn’t go by myself, of course. I went with this cute Brazilian tourist chick I was seeing (more on that later). Case in point, Horrible Bosses was pretty funny. The main theme revolves around three guy friends who all have terrible and despicable bosses. All three plot to murder these bosses. This is a story I can relate to, since I’ve actually have had two past bosses whom I wanted to assassinate. But alas, I didn’t and I’m still a free man.
Jennifer Aniston is part of the cast of Horrible Bosses. She plays an over-sexualized psycho b*$#h of a dentist who mentally tortures and harasses her dental assistant, played by Charlie Day. This is a refreshing change for her. Audiences have gotten used to see her playing the nice girl in the big city who’s looking for love but fails miserably: in other words, she is still playing Rachel from Friends. Honestly, 1) it’s boring, 2) she’s getting a bit old. Jennifer must have sensed the public’s growing boredom since she accepted a rather bold role. I mean, look at her career: Picture Perfect, The Object of my Affection, The Good Girl, all boring shite; the romantic comedies where she plays the female half like The Breakup, Bruce Almighty or Marley and Me, are good but a bit predictable. I’ll make an exception out of Office Space, but she wasn’t an important character in that one.
Jennifer’s next role is to play an evil jealous psycho b*$#h out for a revenge. Considering what happened with her, Brad and Angelina, Jen has a lot of pent up anger inside (she is obviously still angry). She needs to go on a full on slasher rampage a la Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Yes, kill a bunny, cause outrage in those people from PETA. Also, the Academy voters love some psycho acting; Close got nominated for her role. Now, the character doesn’t have to be so balls-out as Glenn’s. Louise Fletcher’s portrayal of Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest didn’t require any knife-wielding, choking nor stove-top sex. Ratched’s calm demeanor belied a sinister, evil character. To be honest, I’m not sure Jen can pull off that type of role, since her talented is well, um, limited..
Jennifer could also attempt to bring to bring to life a famous historical character. This formula has worked in the past for other sexpot wanna be actresses. Salma Hayek acted in and produced a biopic about Mexican artist Frida Kahlo, in the process somehow managing to pick up an Oscar nomination. Madonna convinced Alan Parker to give her the very coveted role of Eva Peron. I’m unaware if there were any BDSM favors involved (knowing Madonna…maybe). Thanks to Evita, Madonna won a Golden Globe for best actress. Yes, that same Madonna that crouched, pranced and dragged herself around the stage floor in a orgiastic fashion at the 1985 VMAs. If she could pull it off, so can Jennifer Aniston. Since Jen, has a production company, she should pull strings in order to produce a biopic on….Gloria Steinem. This would be a win-win situation for Jen. She better hurry up before Angelina nabs this role from her.
Last but not least Jen, it’s time to stop being a cock-tease and take it off! Everyone knows you have a hot body and there’s plenty of bikini pictures documenting this. By the way, how come you know so many people with yachts? Anyhow, you’ve been teasing the male species with tons of semi-nude magazine covers. It’s time for the real thing. You can only tease so much before we get bored. But you can’t just appeared naked in a lousy movie or pose for playboy, those are career killers. Don’t believe me, look up Bo Derek and Pamela Anderson. You have to appear naked in a gritty drama full of sex, violence and of course, a decent storyline. In other words, play a hooker (before Angelina does it!), it worked for Jane Fonda.
Jen! What the fuck were you thinking??
Unless you’ve been compulsively preparing for the zombie apocalypse, you have probably heard about Amy Winehouse’s death. For all you ignoramuses out there, Winehouse was a British soul chanteuse with an amazing voice and gritty lyrics. Unfortunately, she passed away a few days ago. An autopsy is still underway, but many people suspect her death was caused by drugs or alcohol abuse. In the last couple of years, the tabloid press had extensively covered Winehouse’s substance abuse issues. At different times, she was caught walking strung out through the streets of Camden Another time she was photographed bruised and bloodied after fighting with useless turd “husband” Blake Civil Fielder. In many of her concert performances she looked completely incoherent while singing. YouTube and the Daily Mail website have tons of footage available. For many fans, her death was not a complete surprise. After being in and out of “Rehab” for most of 2009 and 2010, fans and music industry insiders were expecting a new album and subsequent tour. Unfortunately, we won’t be able to see Amy in concert anymore. All we have left is the music and the memories.
Amy Winehouse didn’t die on her own, those around her failed to save her. Her family, managers, and band mates were concerned more with making money and furthering their careers. Amy was just the cash cow from whose teats they fed themselves. Amy’s demise wasn’t sudden, her downward spiral lasted more than 3 years. Pictures from this time period show her weight loss, harried look and constant erratic behavior. It was pretty obvious Amy’s addiction had gotten the best of her, but no one close to her seemed to take any action. Someone should’ve forced her to go to rehab and to stay clean. Her parents seemed either aloof to what was happening or they’re complete retards. Why did her manager allow her to take the stage so many times, seeing her condition? Why didn’t family and friends make a real concerted effort to help Amy? I wonder if Great Britain has a law similar to the Baker Act (The Baker Act is a genius idea). Sometimes addicts need to be forced into treatment, they can’t make the right decisions by themselves, they’re too depressed. If they could, they wouldn’t become addicts in the first place. But the main question is: how come no one got rid of Blake? Amy’s descent started once she hooked up with him. Again, Amy Winehouse didn’t die on her own, those around her let her die.
Amy looking beautiful, circa 2004, before the beehive, tattoos and drugs.
The country has been abuzz with news about the Casey Anthony trial and subsequent acquittal. Both my ex-girlfriend and my boss called me to gossip about it. For those of you out there, Casey Anthony is the crazy psycho b$%&h that killed her 2 year old daughter, because the child was a hindrance to her party life-style. Somehow, Anthony beat the rap and will walk free. Now, Florida officially has the worst drivers (thanks Miami), most retarded voters (thanks Rick Scott supporters) and dumbest juries (thanks Pinellas County).
Casey Anthony is not the first psycho to kill a child and/or commit a heinous crime. I constantly read the crime sections of MSNBC, Yahoo and other websites. I know about the other crazy b$%&h that put her kid in a oven, the a$$hole who threw a crying infant against a wall, the folks who kill their own spouses for insurance money, etc. Then, there are those that shock me due to their stupidity, like the redneck in Tennessee who was too drunk to drive. He decided to have his 10 year old son drive, while he gave the kid instructions from the passenger seat. These stories turn me into a horrible misanthrope who sees humans as a plague. No, I’m not one of those self-righteous folks (as a matter of fact, a big eff you to all the self righteous), but these criminals are scum. Sometimes the death penalty is needed. Once I mentioned this in front of some of my uber-liberal classmates and they reacted in horror, but it’s the truth. Would you give a life sentence to a Nazi or send his ass to the electric chair? I vote for chair.
So how did Casey Anthony beat the rap (and the gas chamber)? Let’s see. Courts and juries have been historically more lenient with female offenders than with their male counterparts (also there are far less female murderers). Scott Peterson committed a similar crime and he’s expected to fry soon. Anthony comes from a middle class background; compare her to Aileen Wuornos who had white trash origins and worked as a hooker. The State of Florida didn’t hesitate to execute Wuornos, while Anthony will not see another day behind bars. Another important point is that Casey Anthony is an attractive young woman. She is bound to have some sort of sympathy from a few deranged weirdoes out there. If she were overweight, ugly or old, things would’ve played out differently. If you think I’m exaggerating, look up Debra Lafave. She is the middle school teacher who seduced her lucky 13 year old student. Lafave happens to be smoking hot, and the judge only gave her probation. Going back to Casey Anthony, the main reason she is free is due to the fact that the prosecution couldn’t prove conclusively and beyond reasonable doubt that she is guilty. Simple as that. Since Caylee’s body is too deteriorated and there’s no eyewitnesses, Casey Anthony is a free woman. People caught with dimebags, have had lengthier sentences.
Bitch, you’re gonna rot in hell
Ever since the Royal Wedding, Kate Middleton’s family has been the center of attention for our Cockney friends on the other side of the pond. Kate’s parents can’t engage in any fun activities such as swinging or getting pissed at the local pub (note: for Brits, “pissed” means drunk. Nothing to do with urination). If they do, they’ll be all over the tabloids. The media has focused heavily on royal sister Phillipa Middleton, also known as Pippa. There’s also a royal brother, but no one cares about him.
Pippa has been photographed happily dancing sans shirt, whilst pissed (drunk). After the wedding, the media focused heavily on Pippa’s figure in that white dress that she wore. Pippa now has a fan club, an ass appreciation society (J. Lo be damned) and plenty of potential dates. Now let’s look at the Pippa phenomenon from an objective view (with a little subjectivity).
Pippa has a nice face, a nice thin build and is very well tanned (take that Jersey Shore!). She looked great in that dress, which made a perfect contrast with her skin color. She’s well educated, independent, athletic (she does triathlons like me) and a fun chick who enjoys dancing only in her bra. But the fact is, there are plenty of women just like that all around the World. Why is there an obsession with Pippa? She’s nice looking but she’s not a knockout. If we limit ourselves to British babes, I think Liz Hurley, Kate Beckinsale or Cheryl Cole can give her a run for the money. I see far more attractive women at FIU campus (for real, I’m not bragging just because it’s my alma mater). While Pippa’s ass is nice, I’m not incredibly impressed. After all, I live in Miami, ass-capital of the Americas. There’s enough ass around here to provide for the whole state of Florida.
I wonder if maybe the standard of beauty is different in the UK. Someone tanned and fit is a rarity. The mass majority of folks are pale and plump. You walk down a street and for every Pippa you see 10 Adeles. Would Pippa be considered an average beauty in France or Italy? Does the press focus on the Middleton girls so much, because the rest of the royal family is a bit not-sexy? I mean, Fergie and her daughters are a bit…you know…fugly. If there are any British readers out there, please chime in.
Ok fine, I admit it. If I saw Pippa hanging around Miami Beach, I’d hit on her too.
OK, I’m a bit behind on news. I know, I know, the royal wedding was more than a month ago. But that doesn’t mean I can’t make fun of it. Pompous twats will always be a favorite target of the motherlover.
So, back in April, Prince William got married to Kate Middleton. Kate had to wait 8 years before William finally popped the question (he popped the cherry eons ago). The girl has amazing endurance. Most women don’t wait that long for a guy to propose marriage. Then again, most guys aren’t wealthy princes who are in line to inherit a throne. And not a crappy throne, like the one in Monaco. It’s the throne of Great Britain, former imperial master of the high seas, on whose majestic lands the sun never sets and twas shed thee grace on thy Lord (or whatever the crap that means, I’m not Shakespeare). Even if the throne only has symbolic value nowadays, and doesn’t exert real political power, being a part of the royal family means that you are stinking rich. Kate doesn’t have to work a day in her life. She’ll get to travel around the whole World for free. She’ll be able to visit the Seychelles and a few other islands no one cares about or remembers. She’ll get to stay in fancy hotels and will reside in a medieval palace (not the dungeon, of course). A cadre of employees will cater to her every need and whim. They’ll smell her farts and sooth her pee.
Now let’s look at the cons: Ms. Kate Middleton can’t vote anymore. Not even if she hates the candidates; hell, she can’t even give her opinion in a public forum. Kate’s every move is followed by hundreds of photographers. She can’t drive fast, scratch her nether regions at an intersection, lust over other men, sing in the shower or even watch some porn. Being part of the royal family mean that you have zero privacy. Some dumbass can follow you all day snapping pictures and if you curse him out or try to beat him up, you’re the villain. Also, that cadre of employees will be spying on Kate 24/7. Don’t forget that royals must follow some strict and incredibly boring protocols in everyday life. No wonder they drove poor Diana crazy. Poor woman got used, exhibited like a trophy, cheated on, and then spit out. I’ve wanted a royal family member to lose it one day publicly and go postal. I wonder if Sarah Ferguson was karma for the Queen. Oh well, good luck Kate in dealing with being Britain’s next princess/royal hooker and luckily for you, you’re not married to Henry VIII.
OK Kate, we need you to have tons of mental breakdowns for our sick entertainment. You have officially replaced Courtney Love….
Where do you get those cool Napoleonic hats??
This is a serious post, but pretty soon I’ll start posting comedy rants again, so all my fans can pee their pants (hell yeah!).
I’m elated that Osama Bin Laden was finally killed by U.S. Navy Seals! A bit late (like 10 years), but better late than never. Now the government can hurry their asses up and get the troops out of Afghanistan. Let the Afghan army duke it out with the Taliban. I initially didn’t object to going into Afghanistan in order to capture Bin Laden and oust the Taliban, but it should’ve been a quick campaign that would’ve lasted a few months, not 10 years. After putting the Northern Alliance back into power, we should’ve gotten the hell out of there. Instead, Bushwacker decided to invade Iraq and turned the whole issue into a quagmire. After the September 11th attacks, the public global consensus was focused on aspects of radical Islam: “why can’t women drive in some majority Muslim countries?”, “What’s the deal with female genital mutilation?” “Why are we friends with Saudi Arabia?’ (actually why are we still friends with Saudi Arabia?). The focus should have been on achieving energy independence from oil, not forming alliances with Middle East dictators anymore, killing this motherfucker and then getting the hell out of there. But nooo, Bushwacker had to invade Iraq and in the process turned the U.S. into an international pariah (again).
While the past can’t be erased nor forgotten, Bin Laden’s death should be taken as a starting point for a complete change not just in U.S. foreign policy towards the Middle East, but in cultural relations between the West and the Muslim World. On both sides, we’ve already had more than enough deaths. We say they’re primitive animals who mistreat women and don’t understand the concept of democracy. They say we’re materialistic heathens who lack any sense of morals. While there might be hints of truth in both these statements, until we’ve walked in another person’s shoes, we really don’t know shit. We support Shah Pahlevi, the Iranians take hostages, Palestinians hijack planes, Sadat gets killed, Israel bombs Lebanon, Rabin gets killed, Al-Qaeda rears it ugly face, we invade Iraq; it seems like a never ending cycle. And I, like most Americans am tired of this shit. Moderates in both the West and the East, don’t want anymore wars. It’s the ass-wipe ultra-conservative elements in both societies that want to wage war and make everyone follow their ideology. I would dwell more on the different social, economic and geo-political aspects of this conundrum, but I need to save some of my intellectual neurones for grad school papers. Besides, I don’t want to bore my audience with politics. This is not the Huffington Post.
Robert de Niro is one of my heroes. He belongs to a select group of men I admire and would take a bullet for. This group includes Harrison Ford (Indiana Jones), John Maynard Keynes, Stanley Kubrick, Kurt Cobain, Franklin Roosevelt and few others.
Robert De Niro was an integral part of this group. I don’t know the real Robert De Niro, of course. I base my admiration on the characters he has played in movies. For us movie buffs, there isn’t much difference between the actor and the portrayals he/she does. We imagine that the actor is just like that in real life, obviously overlooking the implausibility of this. In real life actors are way different from the characters they play.
But a damn good actor can easily embody his character’s mind and actions, and make us forget for the whole two hours that we’re simply watching a fictional account. And Robert was freaking awesome! His performances blew away the competition. His characterization took the form of legendary status. He represented was it is to be a man, in the pure sense of the word. Watching him in Raging Bull was cathartic, the way he punches the wall inside a prison cell, as an over-weight Jake LaMotta.
If Robert De Niro would have suddenly died in 1981, he still would be considered a legend due to his roles. But as the years went by, Robert started taking different roles (what actors call “exploring different genres”), and the results have been utter crap. OK, I understand, Hollywood went back to studio control during the 80s and crap films became the norm, but that doesn’t mean Robert had to lower his standards. But it started mainly in the 90s; first that Frankenstein film (wtf!), then Rocky & Bulwinkle, then Meet The Fockers. And I’m not including several other weak roles he had. It’s like the man doesn’t want another Oscar. I’m baffled as to why he takes these roles. He certainly doesn’t need the money. I mean if you’re going to do a blockbuster, do a good one. But crap like Little Fockers, really messes up the man’s legacy.
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